HOW ADOPTION AFFECTS COUPLES’ RELATIONSHIPS by Michael Colberg For many couples trying to become parents through adoption, the search for a child becomes the focus of their relationship. The majority of heterosexual couples seeking to adopt have finished a long journey through the medical maze of assisted reproduction. This journey has not only placed the couple under a lot of stress, but also ended in failure. As couples consider adoption as a means of becoming a family, they typically bring with them a sense of urgency born of the fear that they may not be able to become parents. This fear can subtly reframe a couple’s relationship in a way that makes their desire to become parents the centerpiece of their relationship. Although it is understandable that this happens, in doing so they set in place a potentially destructive pattern. By the time they decide to adopt, they are often determined to act in ways which will increase their chances of becoming parents, even if some of these choices will make being good parents more difficult. A result we see frequently in couples therapy is couples who have stopped relating to each other as lovers and experience each other simply as co-parents. Each parent may emphasize the parent-child relationship, and may even experience the partner as an intrusion. Sometimes one parent becomes overly focused on the child and leaves the other parent feeling like an outsider. It is not healthy to give a child the power to affect what happens between the couple themselves. When a child grows up knowing that his parents have a relationship separate and apart from their relationship with him, the child feels a sense of safety. It helps children to feel secure when the adults in their lives are clearly responsible for setting the limits. When adults are too focused on making sure their children are always happy, children can grow up feeling that their emotional state is responsible for their parents feeling good about themselves. So, what to do? The adoption journey can be a journey that deepens a Couple’s relationship. The following suggestions may help couples strengthen their relationship in a way that will benefit both parents and children. 1. Acknowledge the truth of where you are. Adoption is a process. Many pre-adoptive parents, fearing that they must compete with others seeking to become parents through adoption, are afraid to acknowledge their doubts, fears, and ambivalence. As we know, secrecy breeds shame. The adoption process allows couples seeking to adopt to prepare themselves to become parents in a conscious way. The journey through fertility and toward adoption is filled with experiences that impact identity. Couples considering adoption should take the time to experience and share how they have grown as individuals, and how these changes have affected their relationships with themselves and with their partners. The home study process and other training available to pre-adoptive parents provide a chance to identify and work through some of the challenges that are present for them as individuals and as couples. This allows them to take the emphasis away from becoming parents and focus attention back where it should be: on learning about adoption and about themselves as a means of becoming the best parents that they can be. Although this process may look messy, in the end, it creates more conscious and solid adoptive parents. It also allows the couple to grow closer and deepen their relationship as they share their deepest feelings. 2. Couples considering adoption should take the time to mourn infertility before deciding whether to build a family through adoption. Adoption and infertility are separate issues. Adoption is a lifelong process and not an event that solves infertility. Discussing the feelings surrounding infertility reinforces the couple’s relationship; it reminds them of the fact that it is their responsibility to provide emotional support for their child, and not the child’s job to make the parents feel whole. 3. It is in a child’s best interest to have parents who are adoption-competent and are ready and capable of advocating for their family. We do not live in a society that understands the unique and ongoing nature of adoption. When partners take the opportunity to learn about and discuss parenting and adoption as a couple, this process can strengthen and deepen their relationship and their level of intimacy. Couples need to learn about the different types of adoption and about what each form of adoption offers and demands. In doing so, pre-adoptive parents can begin to understand some of the challenges that they will face, and to learn about adoption in a way that will help them mentor their children during the years to come. 4. Families formed through adoption need time to make sense of their new place in the world. In families formed biologically, the woman has been through a significant physical experience and it is natural for her mate to want to surround and protect her and their newborn. In adoption the couple has not had this experience, but they have experienced becoming parents in a more equal way. Adoptive parents should take the time to fully experience this equality and share the joy and sadness of their experience with each other. It is also important to allow adoptive parents to experience any ambivalence that they might feel about being parents. They have typically focused so much energy on becoming parents that they may not be prepared for the natural feelings of confusion, resistance and resentment that are present when you become responsible for a child. Couples who do not acknowledge these feelings may feel ashamed or frightened. Acknowledging hard feelings help create deeper levels of intimacy. 5. Finally, remember to spend time together focusing on interests aside from parenting. Although the urge to remain fixated on the child is understandable, it is important for both parents and child that the couple take the time to reacquaint themselves with areas of their relationship which may have been subordinated during their journey toward parenthood. It is extremely important to be parents who make decisions in a child-centered way. This means acting, as a team, in the child’s best interest. A child who grows up with parents who have a successful relationship learns a lot about the nature of relationships and isn’t that what being adopted is all about?